Police Brutality

I don’t write a lot these days. This is mostly because there are few topics worth writing about these days. Niggas are mostly about who drank alcohol worth how much and the number of people actually reading for the heck of it is getting smaller as days go by.

However, today of all days, a day in which the great united has drawn with spurs, I have gathered my fingers, keyboard and whatever little brain cells that ze alcohol has not destroyed, and strung together a few words and hoped to hell and high water that they made sense.

The government is full of douchebags and pea brained niggas. The current president came through with a colorful manifesto promising the world and a bag of chips. The few of us that were cognitive enough to question all that glitters not being gold, saw right through the smoke and mirrors of it all. Those who didn’t, and decided to support their KAMWANA, are now seeing that they bought into a truckload of horse manure expertly peddled by an army of snake oil salesmen, and a PR machine that had the devil’s own reach and the efficiency of the flu virus!

Among the high priority pursuits of the Jubilee government was Police reforms. Nigh a day goes by without the public going up in arms about the police taking bribes and underperforming in general. Well, a feature on NTV brought a few things into very bright light, ladies and gentlemen. The police force, in its entirety, is very severely and deeply in the toilet! Quite literally, they are in the shitter, and the general public, by extension are royally fucked!

See, the feature/documentary brought forward a few things that might astound even the staunchest believers in this or the previous regime. The most glaring of theme all was that the elite police force, the Recce Company members, take home, in a good,month, less than  what our president’s children use on a single day. There are empty headed socialites (read hoes) that have on their heads horse hair that costs about what 40 members of the elite unit that guard H.E Uhuru Kenyatta and his Deputy earn a month. The minute I saw this, I lost all hope in this country of ours!

To make matters worse, the regular police are even worse for wear. Their housing situation is what you would call, in your most civilized attempt, fucking shitty, the police stations and posts are in deplorable condition. To make matters worse, there are no evidence storage units to speak of; there is a cop out there, going to bed in a house full of case evidence, and he is expected to give testimony in a case that is supposed to elicit a conviction. The Illuminati couldn’t even hack it under such conditions!!

Now, let me blow your fucking mind, in the year 2013, the year that produced the X-Box 1, there are cops out there still using a fucking typewriter. This bloody government promised laptops to snort nosed brats and the police are using typewriters?! Is there no one who sees something wrong with this picture?! Type-fucking-writers!! Digital era my fifth anterior metatarsal!!

The government is busy making sure that the president and his deputy do not go to the ICC; too busy to notice that the country is slowly disintegrating around them. The salaries and remunerations commission recently gave ward reps a massive increase in pay from 79k to well over 200k, yet the people that deserve better pay are left to fend for themselves.

There are certain basic structures in a nation. They are those things a standing nation cannot function without, they are;

·        A working security infrastructure

·        Functioning medical structures

·        A working education system

When we cannot keep any of these happy, we are very close to that deep abyss that is the failed nation canyon. This is the real police brutality!

Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta, I will tag your twitter handle and that of your chief of digital whatchamacallit, Ole Itumbi to this post. When someone with such elite training as a member of the Recce Company is unhappy, with the skills to kill a man with nothing but a paper clip and a prayer, we should all be very afraid. But….ehh… this is Kenya, it will all blow over in a few days, right UK?!

Drunk, somewhat open letter to parliament

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large crowd…that’s what my teacher used to say. Apparently, both he and the old wise dude he was quoting knew what the hell they were talking about…

I would consider the occupants of the August House a crowd, a very powerful crowd gifted with an incessant and severe lack of the common sense, wouldn’t you?

Good, now that we are on the same page, here is my letter to parliament; and since I am rather wasted on a concoction of very strong spirits, I hope this looks good in the morning.

Dear Parliament,

I think the first order of business should my immeasurable gratitude. I would like to thank you for exposing a very vital flow on the thinking of Kenyans. Beneath our practiced and polished veneer of education and middle-class elitism lies the rot of tribal alignment and well hidden bigotry. How else would you explain the voting in of the less than honorable Liinturi and Duale? Thank you, for showing us that we need to get our heads out of our backsides and actually see things for what they are.

Having done you a great honor in offering gratitude, let me air out my grievances …

You have got to be the largest collection of gluttonous, self-serving and utterly and irrationally cruel human beings in a world of a little over 7 billion. You have continued to make decisions that are not in the interests of the people that put you in the plush seats of that ultra-modern house and the powers that come with them.

If y’all are not arguing on who between the senate and yourselves should wear the big boy pants, you are finding new ways of squeezing more money from our already decrepit financial situations. First, you wanted to award yourselves huge payhikes from the taxpayer’s pocket. When that did not work, you are now trying to detach yourselves from being state officers. All this while, your promises to the medical workers, teachers and other civil servants become irrelevant.

How the bleeding fuck do you tax basic commodities?  Then the prices on milk, bread and maize flour have gone up.Then as if to add insult to injury, you, in the same week where buying two packets of milk almost replaced owning an iPhone as a status symbol, pack your bags and go on a state sponsored vacation to the Netherlands. What else would you call that absurd solidarity trip to the Hague that will cost Kenyans a whooping 150k a day per each of you insane bastards?!

Whatever the case, someone please do something about some of your members. Someone should contact the Governor for Nairobi county to restore Mr. Duale to default settings. And along the same line, I do not condone gender based violence, but if a heifer with a scary-looking hair piece comes to my office accompanied by a host of goons yelling and throwing gang signs at me, I see how selective amnesia could develop. All I am trying to say is, Dr Kidero, I understand.

The long and short of it all is…can you bleeding nincompoops stop acting so damn asinine!! And Mr Duale, there is no way in hell you are convincing me, or any other right thinking Homo sapiens, that withdrawal from the Rome statute is in the best interests of the country. Or that the “plight”(Notice the obvious “”) of the ICC suspects is of such a detrimental nature to our lives that we should rearrange the strucutres of this great nation to accommodate a few of people charged under international law of CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!! My answer to that is simple….Go Screw Yourself!

There are a lot of things we could say about the MAAAAANY shortcomings of our parliamentarians, and looking for positives would take an entire lifetime, suffice to say, after these four nightmare years, let us put down our respective differences in origin stories and vote in the right niggas (or niggaresses) for the right reasons.

HOODWINKED 2: SIASA vs DELIVERY

I am getting really tired of feeling like a hostage in a country that my fore fathers died liberating form those tea and scones eating yahoos. It is like every morning I wake up, our politicians have spent the night figuring out a new way to bleed my wallet further into nonexistence…it is like the government has employed an army of egg head nerds to find a way to stay ahead of everyone in the thugging curve.

First, it was this referendum nonsense; a well plotted civil coup cleverly cloaked in the sheep skin of trying to gift senate a larger say in the running of the country. That drum beat quickly changed when the not-so-ordinary mwananchi informed the ordinary mwananchi (ordinary in this case refers to understanding and not the size of the wallet) of the underlying consequences of the referendum. Even before the dust had settled, we find out that the reason the teacher’s strike ended was that the government had struck a deal with one arm of the teachers’ unions, KUPPET to steal money from the other arm’s KNUT members and line the pockets of the officials of KUPPET. As if that wasn’t sad and fucked up enough, this whole Sholei thing started…

So last night, I had a theory cooking in the dark, conspiracy theory-laden recesses of my brain, fueled by a recreational substance that the inhabitants of a certain island in the Caribbean swear by. I think all these occurrences are inexplicably linked. It is a well-orchestrated plot to take away the minds of Kenyans from the real issue…we are being fleeced of the clothes on our backs by a bunch of unscrupulous “leaders”.

Think about it for a second (if it is not too much strain on your noggin). Take your mind of fantasy premier league, Miley Cyrus twerking  and porn and actually look at it…

The bill by parliamentarians to declassify themselves as government officials is ancient news. That does not mean that the bill or plans to table and execute it are not ongoing, it just means that there are other things that carry a juicier gossip rating; like the fact that some hoe with great head game managed to hoodwink a couple of mentally damaged individuals into accepting polyandry.

All these occurrences also take our minds away from the fact that these same parliamentarians are busy constructing and constituting a committee for every little thing, even to decide what kind of tissue they should wipe their fat butt-cracks with. These committees mean sitting allowances, and other funny perks, which in turn translates to more money being siphoned out of my already bleak financial situation (I call it situation, because the words “fucked up mess” might not sit well with my priest). All this while, we are busy bickering and bitching in support of our tribal gods.

Clearly this delivery vs politics is a turtle race, and politics is the rabbit .The infinity of human stupidity coupled with the consistency of our greed will be the end of us all. That my peoples will be the end of us all

PS: I have to congratulate myself on the minimization of the rate at which I curse when writing. It was a combined effort from my therapist and my dealer. It seems to be working….for now.

Weighty Matters

We are FUCKED!! Utterly, royally FUCKED!!

That got your attention didn’t it? Ok, now sit here \_ and listen little ones as daddy spells out the intricacies of life to y’all.

The reason why I said we are fucked, is this…in this day and age, we still have this stupid backward mentality of there isn’t a Waziri from my community an therefore we are not in government…my question to these kinda fuckers is, who fucking raised you and how many times were you dropped as a child?

Last night in the news, there was this fat bespectacled ego maniac who was proudly questioning the lack of inclusion into the cabinet, of his people. He proudly stood on the podium with his face glistening with a veneer of mafuta ya mwili, addressing a crowd os ashen faced small folk, with their lips bone-dry from hunger and thirst, and made his sickening proclamations. The question that no one dared ask is, Aint this fat fuck one of those, or near one of those disillusioned assholes that is supposed to vet the cabinet secretaries list?

I am not in any way endorsing the flawed list of individuals that was gift wrapped and presented to us in a whirlwind of uniformed attire, bromamce and invitations to tea. I am also conversant with the fact that this country has a long way to go, from the stupidity of the watu wetu mentality. It is for this exact reason that in the constitution, the parliamentary select committee is charged with a constitutional mandate to ensure that the list presented to parliament by the president has met and certified the criteria spelled out by the constitution. This is the reason why the list of diasporically (That is not a real word people, do not use it to impress a girl) educated individuals is called a list of NOMINEES! 

Therefore listen here you grossly overweight fucktard, if you want to help your people, stop with the roadside shenanigans, and start the rigorous process that is lobbying. Parliament has the mandate to make sure that the list of nominees has met regional balance criterion. You should be lobbying your fellow greedy bastards to change the situation to favor you and stop fucking up my news.

Away from one fat fuck to another…Franco, your loudmouthed gold attired fat retard! For years, you have been eating yourself into larger pants on the blood and sweat of the hardworking, low income earning majority of this country. It is therefore imperative that when these greedy oppressive bastards in parliament attack the salaries and remuneration commission, you aim your spittle at them, not for them. Furthermore, I think there are more important things to worry about, like raising the minimum wage, allocation of vacation days and basic health insurance for those poor sodding bastards who will come to Nyayo stadium on first to listen to your self praising monologue. You fat bastard!!

You cannot deny that we are fucked. The president is trying to pull wool over our eyes (hehehehe…private joke), with trying to push into cabinet Najib and Tenderizer, inviting us for tea and some shit like that; the guy who is supposed to look put for the workers is busy doing nasty things in bed with the MPs; Niggas are still trying to whip the public into some sorta action for their people…SMH.

In parting,

Dear Mr., President,

Nice move on the presentation of the list of nominees. That was the classic smoke and mirrors technique, you Houdini you. I bet you and your best bud were laughing your asses off as the media struggled to reign in every analyst they could get their hands on, shaking ass to your tune. You are a great pied piper, I will give you that.

I have a favor to ask though, can you not “read me stupid”. I saw that clause you inserted in that document. I liked watching you shoveling the bullshit that “They will stop all political activities, and step down from all political offices”. I think that explains why your sleeves were rolled up.

Can you go back into that big white mansion and lock yourself into that office, together with your newfound bestie, pour a glass of JW Green, and don’t comeback until you have a balanced, qualified list.

Kudos though on the Defense and Foreign affairs dockets… The foreign affairs cabinet secretary is a MILF!! Fist bump for that, and she qualified as hell too. That is a plus. It also took all the balls you possess to appoint a female in the defense in what is a predominantly chauvinistic nation. Good move there…but I saw right through it.

Regards,

Fellow Kenyan,

Wile E.

PS: I owe you something that smokes and makes people happy…don’t worry, it’s legal.     

Red Letter Day- Literally

So apparently, some mad men decided to threaten the Chief Justice of this sovereign nation. You’ve gotta ask, What in the Hell were they thinking!! I have seen the alleged letter doing rounds on twitter and all I could think of was, are you fucking kidding me?!! Honestly, I thought we had matured from the childishness and the stupidity that rocked this great nation after the last general election, but evidently, we are still a long way from that.

First, the writer should learn how to fucking spell and use some bloody tenses. Reading that letter, I could hear the screams of the English language as it was being butchered, and the sorrowful weeping my teacher of English would have made as she read it. The bastard, or bastards as it could well be, made my mind bleed. I could feel myself getting dumber with each sentence. I am surprised that that shit was actually typed!! Riddle me this, what the hell is that chicken-like scrawl at the bottom?

Whoever wrote that letter is a fucking psycho, and an ego maniacal narcissist. The over-exaggeration of self-worth, both in himself and his “organization” is damn near blinding! (and they said watching Criminal Minds wouldn’t help me) I especially disliked the part where he said tupende tusipende…Douche bag and his band of merry idiots are only about a million, we are 39 million. Do you honestly think we will idly sit here and let you burn our beloved Kenya over one insignificant motherfucker just because you think he should be president?! Get over yourself!

The interesting point though, will be how Kenyans react to this letter. I hope the rest of us are sober enough not to pin the actions of a few disturbed individuals onto a whole grouping of people. I hope that the sober minded people will offer guidance to the less sober… I hope Kenyans are mature enough to know the difference. I however appeal to anyone who might know who the fuck the author of that letter is, to suffocate the bastard in his sleep. It’s actually pretty easy; step 1, pick up pillow. Step 2, place pillow over his face and hold it down with force. Step 3, maintain pillow until bastard stops struggling. Step 4, keep it there a little longer for good measure.

Finally, Dear Makau Mutua,

Rookie move there from someone who claims to be a professor. There is a reason why sensitive documents are declassified after a period of time…to let emotions and passions die down. You do not toss a lit match into a powder keg of TNT just because you are a safe distance away. Posting that letter on twitter was not your finest hour. I would expect this of the not-so-wise general populous, but not someone who loves to portray themselves as above the rest, freedom of speech notwithstanding. For that, fuck you!

Going forward, I hope y’all practice speed of thought. As Eddie Griffin says, THINK! IT AI’T ILLEGAL YET. BUT THEY’RE WORKING ON IT.