This is going to be a longish post, so if you have the
attention span of a squirrel on crack, the understanding of a North Korean
dictator and the memory of a goldfish, this is where you get off the bus. If
you chose to go past here, you admit to relinquishing all semblances of
opinions as regarding this post in its entirety. If this post in any way
discredits any politicians whose poster you jack off to in the bathroom, and
you feel offended, refer to this part and shut the fuck up!
I told you people in an earlier post (National Players Day) that our country is run
by a bunch of Gangsters, some of y’all didn’t believe me, until those
motherfuckers went and awarded themselves a hefty “retirement package”,
diplomatic passports and a state funeral among other perks…now, that shocked
even me. The depths of depravity and lack of humanity that exists in our
parliament continues to astound!!
For most people, the emotion they are currently experiencing is
called outrage, my mental state is programmed to whittle off the out in outrage
(it’s the out that makes it a bitchy emotional state) and go right to the rage…here
is what I am wondering, WHAT THE FUCK?!
First off, it’s Janu-fucking-ary, everybody is broke, a
consequence of overindulgence during the festive season. Why then, would you go
and award yourselves a 9.shit Million shillings payoff?! Unashamedly, kadmnasi
ya watu (My Swahili teacher should be proud I remembered this)?! That’s like
sitting next to a beggar and counting money, or going to Turkana during a
drought with a George Foreman grill and 3 kilos of meat, and a tent for shade! It’s
like kicking an old woman down a flight of stairs, videotaping that shit while
laughing, then posting it on YouTube!
9 million is a shitload
of money!! It’s the same amount of money that a casual making 10,000 Ksh a
month would make in 75 years, in a country whose life expectancy is 50 years.
This is the same money a nigga that barely made it out of high school is going
to award his damn self at once?! Am I the only one who finds this to be fucked
up?!
Come to think of it, isn’t retirement supposed to mean that
you are done doing some shit? When you retire, unafaa upewe gumboots,
wheelbarrow na kashamba rwai, right? Why then, are all these “retirees” vying
to go right back to work?! If they get that retirement package, shouldn’t they
just…I don’t know….maybe fuck off?!
Second, state funerals…the definition, according to the Collins
Dictionary, loosely translates to a funeral that involves the country in a day
of national mourning, for people that hold significance to, and have immensely
helped the nation. This does not in any way even remotely describe ANY member
of the current parliament…This bastards have spent their entire term in office
creating the perfect environments for them to further shaft the country in the
ass. State funerals should be for those officers that died in the line of duty
in Baragoi, whose massacre is instead being blamed on one man....Mr. Waiganjo. SMDH, how does one man fuck up a whole operation, and where were other intelligence agencies and bigwigs?
We are headed into an election period; that is going to be the
most charged yet, and this is the year that the parliamentarians decide to
award themselves diplomatic passports…hmmm. For some reason, I feel gamed! I
feel like these fuckers know something that I don’t…the same fuckers who receive
intelligence reports and I don’t. I feel like they are fucking preparing for an
eventuality that I am unaware of…like I should start packing and converting my
money into international currency (How much is 8k in dollars again...coz that’s
about how much I am worth!)
Diplomatic passports
are issued to people who are going out of the country on official state
business…now, I don’t mean to be an ass (ok maybe I do), but what official
state fucking business is Wakoli, sonko or Waititu going to conduct for us?
Stone throwing at a UN summit au punching the wall kwa the White House?
The thing about diplomatic passports is that when you get one,
your entire family is eligible for one too…and with diplomatic passports, you
qualify for asylum faster, and with a lot less hustle. You also don’t have to
have your baggage checked; you can have that shit stamped DIPLOMATIC MAIL. Now,
doesn’t this sound like a bunch of people who are either preparing to get the hell outta dogde, or
a bunch of people who want to smuggle some shit into OUR country? I told yous….GANGSTERS!!
The really fucked up bit, is that Most of the presidential
candidates, barring underwear girl and the poster boy for Colgate, are in the
August house. None of those motherfuckers spoke out when these shenanigans were
being perpetrated. The Finance minister, that retarded motherfucker, is vying
for governor of my home county…this douche is like that rapist who rapes a
child, then brings flowers to the hospital! No conscience…You shaft me in the
ass with no lube, then you want me to trust you with the 2.9 Billion allegedly
to be allocated to my County? FUCK YOU!!!
RAO, the honourable member for Lang’ata, just decided to stand
up for the masses…when the bill is at the signing stage (nimesahau that
assewhatever word). Saa hii is when he shows up with blue undies over his gray
suit and tries to play superman?! Fuck you too son! Where were you when this
shit began? Where were any of those presidential fucking candidates when it
mattered? Now is not the time to start acting mother fucking Teresa! RAO, UK,
PK, Martha, The Jilted Bride…all these people should have shown us their
responsible side by lobbying against this bill when the motion was tabled in
parliament…not now!
The really sad thing though, is that there are more fucked up
things happening, that the MPigs should sort out first…violence in mathare, but
the Member of Parliament responsible is busy asking for an apology from Ndolo.
Tana River is on fire…literally!
Children as young as 2 years old are dying, and the Member of Parliament is too
busy kissing ass and blowing some coalition’s hierarchy to give a flying fuck! It’s
all about nominations and what party will get me back at the eating table, the
people be damned.
This is what in Call of Duty is called S.N.A.F.U. (Situation
Normal All Fucked Up). I think it is time we as the whole goddamn country, we
stopped acting like a bunch of bitchy little girls, and got angry. It is time
we channeled our anger towards the rightful recipients, instead of at each
other. It is time to flex our collective muscle and kick ass!! We have the
power to change, and hold these fuckers accountable for their buffoonery. We
should stop cheering them on as they burn this place to the fucking ground. It’s
our collective duty!
It is easy to give up on this country, when the feeling of
helplessness compounds. And that statement, that hope springs eternal, seems
inapplicable for vast stages of being a Kenyan. Churchill (Winston, not the idiot
comedian) said;
“I drink in
victory, to celebrate; and I drink in defeat, just because I need it.”
In other words, as things are, and as things are set to go,
with the ordinary mwananchi pining to vote in the same bunch of faggots that is
about to royally shaft them in the ass, we all will need a stiff one real soon.
So whatever your poison is, from chang’aa to Ciroc, it is time to make St.
Monica (patron saint of alcoholics) your saint for the year, and quite possibly
for the rest your Kenyanity, or at least until the majority of this fair,
near-failed country evolves into somewhat functional hominids.
