Shortmophobe

 

Forgive me blog for I have sinned. It has been forever since I posted anything, and I fill all guilty and what not....but hush now child, am back with a new badness!! I may be a lil rusty and what not, having been on the sidelines with a thumb injury, but match fitness is slowly coming back. If this article touches on you and you feel offended, go hug a cactus, coz I lost that fuck I was about to give.

 Having said that, I give a shout out, to the dudes out there that are killing us with their low self-esteem. See, there is this tendency for weirdness that seems to have infiltrated our ranks like a French double agent. Thing is, dudes say or do one thing, to cover up a whole set of inabilities. As usual, I am the only one who can follow my thought process without examples and diagrams...so kids, sit down and let the teacher teach.

Example One...

Everyone has this friend. That dude who is always bashing everything that people are doing by tagging it “Gay”, and if you cannot think of anyone in your gang who does this, then it’s you dude, it’s you!!

 I understand that there are things that our brothers who bat for the opposition will do that I will find to be above and beyond my scope of open-mindedness (long ass word that one), but this guy goes above and beyond to label everything and anything! He sees a guy wearing a scarf, he’s gay. He does not want to consider that it’s July. July mornings are cold Motherfucker!! He sees a dude just being nice to his friend, gay. He brands everything gay! This is the same guy who the last time saw him hitting on a girl, was right around that time when Mourinho was still Chelsea coach. His Twitter Timeline does not have a single tweet to a girl! Then he has the guts to call what other niggas gay?! Really? Screw you and all you represent. You need to get laid you fucking homophobe! I think your tadpoles have been in there too long they’ve grown into frogs. Go bust a nut you retard! Not everything you see is gay. If a dude does not like football or rugby, and his cup of tea is table tennis, what’s it to you? So what if a dude is into Gossip girl or Mexican Soaps? So what if a guy passes on a bottle of JW coz he’s chugging down Snapps all night long? So what if he would rather listen to Celine Dion than Rick Ross? That Canadian Heifer is a legend! That is called preference motherfucker...look that shit up on Webster’s!

So what if a guy cried while watching Eat Pray Love? I almost shed a tear while watching The Lion King...and I am not emotional! You probably have a secret stash of the same shit you hating on...waking up to watch Must Love Dogs in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping!

In my opinion, unless you are hating on Justin Bieber, or The Twilight Saga, you have no right to call anything anyone prefers to do, eat, drink or smoke. It is not in your place to judge. You need to get a tube of lotion, a porn DVD, and lock yourself in a room until you wank all that stupidity into a towel!

Example Two...

Everyone knows of that short dude who is always angry at the world...shouting at his topmost voice at the club. That little guy who is always threatening to knock the teeth off some guy twice his size over some bullshit...I am tired of that guy! Before you go and call me a bully, telling me that am looking down on the little guy, let me get it out there... I am relatively 5’ 7”. That is relatively short. I am however, tired of that short SOB who has not come to terms with the fact that nature shortchanged him (I am full of short puns today ain’t I?). Walking around like he is Hercules…puffing out his lil chest and what not.

Listen little nigga…you are not the baddest thing since Chuck Norris. That big guy you just threatened who did not knock you into next week, just decided to be the bigger man (I can’t seem to stop with the short puns today!!). You are just wasting everybody’s time and embarrassing yourself to no end. There is some patient Kenyans out there if no one has fisted you yet. Stop bucking all around like you the it shit and grab a seat, before someone gets fed up with you and decides to take you up on that offer, and that someone might be a 6’7” and muscle bound former rugby player, who will do things to you that are illegal in 178 countries worldwide.

There are some pretty cool short guys out there. The fun kind… the kind who are cool with their lack of height, who like me, understand that that dream they had of slam dunking the ball will remain just that, a dream. Now, if you are that guy out there ruining our good names, listen here little one: You will not grow any taller, you are genetically cursed to be short. Start using that shit to pick up girls. Stop trying to act macho, like you’re the head honcho. Unless you got Manny Pacman’s skill (If you do not know who that is, make Google your friend), or Kat Williams fame, or Kevin Harts bodyguards, or Danny DeVito’s connections, or Simon Cowell’s money, Shut the fuck up, grab a seat and stop embarrassing everyone, little motherfucker!!

I could go on for a while, calling out the dudes going around masquerading as the all time greats, while all the time overcompensating for something…small penis, erectile dysfunction, height disadvantage…whatever gets their panties in a bunch. All am saying is, unbunch your panties, and let the rest of us have some peace. Let it go you bastard…or find Jesus. It Worked for Maina Njenga…