Miss Kenya? Really?

Miss Kenya? Really?

This weekend is fast approaching really fast, but I am hardly looking forward to it... even though the weekend is traditionally that part of the week when I scrounge through my pockets and take part in a certain game with my friend obamblizzle who happens to be a true artist when left to exercise his creativity with a certain potato extract or (or as you mere mortals call it...Vodka)

You see, last weekend, I was in that state where my wallet is only an fashion accessory, and I happened to stay at home. As I sat there bored out of my mind and flipping channels, I stumbled upon the Miss Kenya pageant on KTN. If any one is yet to see this comical debacle of a “beauty” pageant, let me spare you half an hour of excruciating pain...don't do it man! I don't even know where to begin...so lets start here;

I thought the main purpose of a BEAUTY pageant was for beautiful or stunning women to parade themselves before a panel of chauvinistic men, jealous women and men who bat for the other team(or again, as you mere mortal call them...judges), to be inspected like goats at that goat market in Eldama Ravine! Turns out, the parading part is there, the panel exists, but the women who can knock your socks off are few and far between. If you do not have a strong stomach, or you belong to that class of people who frown upon judgemental bastards like me, leave now or forever hold your peace...

The women in this show are not even average...they are of common stock. See, when going out to buy a goat, you look at all the qualities...form, build, output, breeding information,sire, the whole nine yards. The women look like they were picked out by a bunch of drunk, horny old men at a strip club. They were picked out only because they met a certain height criterion. Newsflash people...being tall does does not a beauty queen make! To prove my point, look at the contestant called Susan...she looks like a bug. Ever seen the movie antz or its a bugz life? If you watch this show, trust me...you will be thinking about these movies every time you see her. Nikitar...shaving your head does not get you onto the runway, Just because Ajuma did it and looked gorgeous shaved, does not mean you go ahead and shear your melon. Ajuma's head was smooth and lacking in contours...yours, a whole new story. It reminds me of a journey to Kandara once...milima na mabonde! That is just an excerpt of the kind of stock you will find at that animal market that is the search for Miss Kenya.

Another thing that you broads should learn...no one goes calling themselves intelligent. That is a quality that other people notice and praise you for it. Once you go declaring yourself intelligent, you come out like a narcissistic pigs. It comes out worse if you look like you just stepped out of a dumb and dumber holiday special. Heifer, even from the way you are talking, I can tell that you put the air in airhead!!

Lets do judges now. Where to start, where to start....first, that Mshimba mama...these recruits just got to base camp...try not to ride them too hard. Have a bit of compassion, and don't try to erode what little confidence these young women have in themselves. Calm the fuck down and post it on facebook! Second, try and find another image consultant. That dude in spects doesn't seem to know image if it hit him on his face! Asking how I know? Did you see this nigga's siut? No? Then shut the fuck up and keep reading. Oversize is an understatement! This dudes clothes looked like he shopped at muthurwa and picked the really big ones. He looked like an underpaid CID officer who is trying desperately to convince us that he does not have a concealed weapon under all that baggage...coz that's what that was.. baggage. Image consultant my ass! Even I know to wear clothes my size...that's basic dress code ethics. I would rather if he wore like that clown Nyambane, but he wore fitting attire. And get another chick to host or pick the women from their homes. Having a chick that looks like a transvestite anywhere near a beauty pageant kills my morale to watch the show. Trust me, it is me and men wenye nia kama yangu who watch this show.

Whoever is in charge has a lot of work cut out for them. Teaching these women poise, grace and basic etiquette. And somehow turning them into above average in a limited amount of time. The intelligence thing...forget about it. You cant fake that!

Kudos to the wardrobe guy though...those clothes you had them in were very flattering...if you know what I mean. Ajuma...you look older now, kinda like a milf, but I would still do you to kingdom come via timbuktu. Yeah I'm a perve...bite me!