The Mayans were right…

The Mayans were right…

It is the end of the world!!! I did not mean to start panic among the faint hearted, or the sinners…so put down the pitchforks and blow out the torches, then sit here \_ and listen.

You know the four horsemen of the apocalypse right? You know, those dudes whose means justify the end…well sorry to say, your bible lied. They were actually five! Am going to list them from the baddest, to the wimpiest…the order they appear in is the inverse.

First, Death. Just hearing his name scares the shit out of you don't it? Really cool dude this one. Nothing seems to faze him. Avid coffee drinker, native to the DRC region, loves lingala and Rumba. He is the only congolese dude I know that wears one color suits that don't shine! Contrary to popular perception, he doesnt need that sharp scythe thing. he has an army of slaves that do his bidding, and all the other horsemen work for him. He has a villa in an isolated part of the Congo forest where he lives with his wife and pet monkey.

Second… Famine. He is a gluttonous pig this one. Likes to eat everything in sight and sometimes appears as a flock of locusts. He is also lazy as hell and loves to take extended vacations. He is the second most recognizable Horsedude because he likes to leave a calling card. If you don’t believe me, visit the dudes in turkana. He’s been there so long, the remains of the dead inhabitants and their flock have formed oil (too soon?). Those that have seen him, say he is usually in a wheel chair with an army of servants at his wake.

Third in command….War. This here, is one arrogant SOB. He is an attention seeking asshole that has a penchant for explosives, gunfire, knives…basically anything that can cause suffering and pain. He mostly rocks expensive suits with a serious  rock on his right hand pinkie. Likes parties, popping Champaign, ghetto booty and fast bikes. He has a pet tabby cat named Rebecca. Currently, He is vacationing in the Sudan region.

 There is not much to say about pestilence. Just know that every time you cough, or have a headache, he passed near you. There are various people combating the effects of pestilence…Yvonne Chaka Chaka, that annoying Nuru guy, the idiot who shoves Aerial and Safeguard down our throats( Really gives ndugu zetu wa Nyerere a bad name), thing is, they seem to be winning.

The most deceptive of the horsemen…Q-TV. There is no need to explain him. Sneaky enough to avoid mention in the bible, yet so horrible, the suicide rate has hiked by 1000%. Even now, am getting depressed typing this. I can feel the urge to either jump in front of a moving Citi Hoppa or buy a rope and dangle. The chinaman movies, bad Swahili programs, philipino cowdung and the Naija obscenities….Fuck!! The Mayans were right. 2012 Haishi!